photo credit: Sean MacEntee
Ah the time of year when we look back and think about what was and what will be. It is a magical time of sorts as we are focusing on how we can be better. For some this year was so incredible and others it was so awful but we are resilient and just keep on truckin’ along. It is a time to reflect and see what we have done, what we could have done better and what we will promise ourselves we will do. Quite an emotional time as we are shifting over and over to then, now and ahead. Resolutions are made to be better. We all want to be better and build upon what we did as a failure and also what we excelled at. Invigorating but at the same time kinda depressing as we are setting ourselves up to find a weakness to fix and better.
What Was
What was is easy to look back on. It is the known whereas the future if unknown. Unknown is scary but sometimes when we compare what was vs what will be, we realize that the what was is scarier. We think how on earth did I get through that? We did and through that we see the future as easy … until we are in the heat of it all and suddenly it is not so easy. I recently was challenged on what did 2011 mean to me and what did I accomplish. First reaction was a whole lot of nothing. My expectations far exceeded what I was able to accomplish especially in the short term. I then put my head back, closed my eyes and thought about what life one year ago was like. I, then realized as so much went through my head that it was a whole lot of something. I saw a person that did not seem real to me, almost like I was watching from the outside as if it was not me. But, it was me.
One year ago I was in Las Vegas, living a lie to so many that thought they knew me. I was pumping out the blog posts, reading, commenting , sharing … I was standing before everyone socially as a winner when the reality is that I was putting on the “game face” to save face. Save face you say, yes. I was at the mercy of others that I never would know, meet and was nothing more than pieces of paper to. Pieces of paper. How can you define yourself in pieces of paper(s) that you are not writing? Copywriters do it all the time but this was bigger than any campaign, any client, any anything I had ever come to face. My future rested in the hands of 3 people.
photo credit: merra muchut
Three people that I had no choice but to place the ultimate unconditional trust in. As a Type A personality that part of it was probably the hardest thing I had to do. I had to believe that they would take their role as a Supreme Court Justice for the State of Nevada very seriously and uphold the law and overturn a ruling that disregarded the law. I just had to believe.
What Is
What is is just that. It is and you have to accept it and grow from it. We grow from success, we grow from failure and take a bit of it with us to further our growth. We learn from all of our experiences and whether we harbor ill feelings or the happiest of joy, we look at what is and try and make it better or in some cases try and forget about it all together. We have choices and those set the stage for what will be. I admit, I bury. I keep the game face as let’s face it no one likes the downer. No one wants to have to hear the negative. Very few knew the struggles as it was easier to not talk about it because if I did I had to face it head on and it was just easier to pretend it was not happening to the outside world.
If it would have changed it, I would have sang to anyone who would have listened but it was out of my control so I plugged along. As I sat there every single day wondering and checked the court case website obsessively and watched dates of filings be missed and think oh ok, no reply was filed so it is over. I found out quickly that is not the way it works and not only were late filings accepted, it caused delays. I was angry as where is the the line drawn so a late filing is not accepted? If the rules are that it has to be filed on X date and it is not, then why will it be accepted? I had to come to grips with that the rules are not always followed and just be like, ok well the merits of the case are based upon law and the law will prevail. I proved all that I had to in regards to the law and then some. But would that be seen? Would that prevail? I was literally chained to the State of Nevada against my will. I wanted to relocate with my son but could not (for those legal beagles, I recognize that I could have left under most circumstances but the District Court ruling deemed that the non custodial parent was unable to care for the child so If I left, there would have been no one to care for my son). I was so frightened and a feeling as if someone was sitting on my chest. This is the United States of America, the land of the free but I could not leave. Being chained to anything is scary but to a State where you have no family, no real friends as all my close friends had moved and only having one hope and chance with the law, is not good odds in anyone’s book.
On April 1, 2011, many days after the 60 days outlined in the Supreme Court rules when a ruling was to be had, I was on the phone with my mom, who called every day during her lunch. We were chatting about a whole lot of nothing and I had checked the court case site 2 hrs earlier and cursed them out as always did as please, please just give me an answer (ok maybe it was a bit more decorative language than that). I was not really interested in what my mom was saying (happens) and decided to check the website for what I believed was another moment of disappointment. Well, much to my disbelief there was something and that moment I knew that my our life was going to change. I do not really remember those first few minutes as I had tears streaming down my face and really was not able to talk as was this an April Fools joke? This did not really go over well with my mother who was now using her best stern mom voice in wondering what on earth was going on. I do remember saying the site, the site, it is here, it is in, it says re … then I started coughing. She started asking a million questions as I grabbed for my beloved Diet Pepsi and did not really hear a word she said. I just kept reading the snippet on the case information page. Reversal. One small word that was bigger than anything I ever knew.
As with any court matter, there is always something else that can be filed and, they were. Frustrating to say the least but they were just filed to delay the inevitable. 50 or so days of waiting and checking the site again obsessively. I just wanted to leave but had to appear at one last hearing which finally was scheduled for July 21. I was sitting there the day before on edge as would somehow that hail mary pass be up there and this would be postponed? By 5pm I finally was at ease as shew, we are going into court as scheduled. I headed back into court to appear before the Judge that originally denied the move and was able to hear the words I was waiting for, for 2 years. Move is granted. I was asked through my attorney when I was leaving and he said “tomorrow.” So many thoughts were racing through my head as um will I be able to pull this off? Will I get the car packed and rid of all that does not fit? Who will I call first to say I am free.
That afternoon and night was crazy. I had to get rid of anything and everything that would not fit in the Honda which I love you car but dang girl, you certainly do not have any junk in yo trunk. I probably walked/ran the equivalent of a marathon that night and the next day but I was determined to leave. July in Vegas is not pretty and neither was I. I still had my game face but it was a new game face. A face with big fat dark brown eyes seeing no pain in lifting things that weighted more than me and carrying them by myself. I probably changed my clothes 10x as I was a sweaty mess. I kept telling myself that the bigger and stronger person gets the prize. I probably said that 5M times out loud as I winced and grimaced but what did it matter as I knew I had 3 days in the car so the bumps, bruises and burning muscles would be gone faster than I remembered that they hurt. At 4:50pm on Friday, July 22, I pulled out of the gas station on my way HOME.
What Will Be
What will be is still unknown. I know that I am happy and that matters. My son is thriving in school, he is communicating every day with his dad and I happily fly him (accompanied of course) to see his dad as much as the school calendar and the order allows for. I am back with family and that has given new opportunities that I will never regret. I see and talk with my sister Nicole every single day. In my 12 years in Vegas, she came to visit over 26x. She and Andrew relished in their special time which was Biggie and Aunt Coco time with all their crazy antics over the years. She and I being 20 months apart and sharing a room when we could have had separate when we are teenagers after the house fire, we just have that thing about us. Sure we fight/disagree and I tend walk into the kitchen and roll my eyes and pretend to stick my fingers down my throat to vomit but we are sisters and always then find common ground and laugh a lot. I see my sister Danielle and her daughters who are so beautiful and smart and certainly does not hurt that her husband is a die hard JETS fan. I also see extended family and have face hurt of smiling and laughing. I have a new lease on life. I am home and that is such a feeling of euphoria. I am not a fan of the cold but I can be cold and still now smile. Face freeze with no botox. Nice!
A part of what will be is taking it all in and losing that bitterness that I have with the court process. We had one entire year taken away from us all due to a ruling that was based upon personal opinion and not the law. I take great offense to that as I was a legal secretary and paralegal and took my job seriously. Sure, I had personal opinions but they never once came into play when working on a case. Hell, I got woken up from a deep sleep at 3am to ask if the casino could extend credit to someone who owed $3M and when they told me who it was I was like that bastard has thwarted all efforts to collect and will take this credit extension and hide again and is not good for it (personal opinion on that part) but I asked the proper questions as what game was he playing, how much is he betting, how much did he go in with, how much has he lost etc. I put my personal opinions aside and looked at the situation at hand. I allowed the credit and not only did he pay it all back, he took over $2m for himself. That was not a great meeting with the big boss that afternoon however he did pay all his back money and the credit that was extended.
Sorry, I digressed … I still see a person that was going through it as someone that was not me. I admire that person for being so strong and never straying to negativity. I cannot wrap my arms around that person who was so weak but yet so strong and was able to give up the ultimate trust to people they never would meet. It either describes strength or desperation or maybe a bit deeper where nothing will stop will.
I am focused on working and crawling out of some debt. Attorneys are expensive. Moving across country has costs that creep up on you but, it was all worth it. I am ready to start the new part of us seeing my son in snow (which his first time was Halloween) and 
watching him and all my family just getting to laugh and enjoy one another. Will I build the business back up again? I would like to on a consulting basis and get heavily involved in sports marketing and the Superbowl 2014 here in New Jersey. Right now, I am happy being me. I am happy spending time with family and eager to start our Explore New Jersey campaign. I love New Jersey and taking Andrew all around NJ as I did with LV will be priceless.
I suppose the journey to real happiness is long but once you get there it is like nothing else. I have that, Andrew has that, my family has that … now time to take that and put it to work professionally. I know what I am capable of and what I bring to the table but will I allow myself the time to pump out the blogs, ebooks and share the real knowledge that I have? I want to but will is the unknown and what is what will be. Regardless of what will be, I just know that I will be smiling every single day here in New Jersey and that no-one will ever take away from me ever again. Priceless.
Happy 2012 and may you all have a smile as big as mine every day this year!
